Dial it Back a Little…

True story, based on what was said to me last week.  I’ve only just been able to gather my thoughts on this.

The day officially sucked after the title of this post was said to me.  I had the benefit of a weekend’s worth of hindsight to be able to gather my thoughts appropriately and write this all down in an effective way.  I’m not angry anymore, so this is a little more composed than it would have been immediately after the fact.

Weekends are good for this type of reflection.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to smile and be happy.  Because it seems like when things are going my way, I’m happy, and I try to bring that little bit of sunshine into my workplace…someone makes a disparaging remark toward me.  The title is exactly what I was told.  While she says she appreciates the perkiness, it’s apparently too much.

I don’t really know how to react to that, and since much of my reactions are delayed and counterproductive when they finally do come to the surface (much like I’m feeling when I started typing this, a few hours after the fact), I have to try to control my feelings.  It’s one thing to react negatively in front of people, it’s another thing to hide and react privately.

Sometimes I’m not sure what people expect from me.  I know not everyone likes a bubbly, perky person, but correct me if I’m wrong…don’t people dislike the opposite as well?  Don’t people want someone who smiles and is polite and pleasant, rather than someone who responds with one-word answers (or worse, grunts responses), doesn’t make eye contact with people, and just openly rants and vents all their frustrations in the open ?  I’ve been this way, and it was only because I was sick.  All medical excuses aside, it’s not something I do for no reason.  Because if that’s what people like…then good for them.  It’s not me, and it’s not what I like.  I like to show people that a pleasant personality in the overworked workplace is a good thing.  It’s refreshing.

Here’s where the “mean” and unapologetic side comes out.  It’s not vulgar or rough, but just how I feel about attacks on me in general.

I’m not going to tell you I always feel like being perky (at times, it’s a bit of a facade to accommodate for some negative feelings I experience), but I’m trying to make an effort.  There are so many good things that I’m happy about, but it seems like the right mix of unhappiness is always trying to find me, and threatening to to make me feel otherwise is just inviting me to be the unhappy person people obviously think they want around.

Why would that be a good thing?  It doesn’t boost morale, and it doesn’t make the work environment pleasant and un-hostile.  That’s not a word, but we will just run with it.

It goes back to “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  Don’t like my personality?  Tough.  That’s what it is.  You knew what I was like when you first met me, and you’ve known me long enough to know what I am like day in and day out.  If you’re only just realizing how much this “flaw” irks you so many years later, I’m not about to change it.

So to anyone who dislikes this type of personality, and this is a blanket statement for anyone who feels this way: I’m not sorry.  I won’t apologize for something that is so out of my control and so terrible.  Yes, you’ve hurt my feelings.  Yes, my ego got another bruise (it won’t be the last time).  But I’ll never give anyone the satisfaction that they tried to change me in any way. Because I know there is someone around who appreciates a good attitude and personality.  If it’s not you, then that’s your prerogative.


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